"Are You... A Games Journalist?

Do you...

- Carry a hideous, oversized satchel emblazened with the logo of some tedious little action game you only reviewed to get a free satchel?

- Have listless posture, a thousand-yard stare and gaunt, sallow cheeks?

- Breeze around PR events smirking and nibbling on Twiglets trying to look aloof, when in actual fact you're a hateful little sell-out who's only there for the free lager.

- Think you're a proper journalist as opposed to an inconsequential, talentless little fuckcrest who would probably be better off dead.

- Listen to impossible drill 'n' bass at full volume through your awful, tinny headphones just to alert everyone to the fact that you're a horrid little muso cunt.

- Feverishly defend the merits of a game everyone hates because it makes your tiny little balls swell with self-importance.

- Sculpt your awful hair into a sickening quiff in an attempt to stand out among an office full of pot-bellied, sweating dullards.

- Smear your face with a repellent shit-sucking grin and embarrass foreign games developers by asking impossibly-worded questions about insipid little shortcomings in their presentation that only shits, fucks and buggers care about."

AK has a little vent at the mirror.

And, yes, I do have work to be doing, thanks for asking.