Christ, I'm in a bad mood.

Now, I've got the feeling this is going to turn into a "real" blog post. Instead of my usual attempts to either a) Mythologise my own and my friends existence ii) Link to something interesting or iii) Sell you something, I'm going to turn into an Emo kid with snot dribbling down his nose complaining that Beccy Smith of class 2B DOESN'T EVEN KNOW TAHT HE EIXTS!

It's telling that the two AIM conversations I'm in are completely nihilistic. Pah.

Anyway - I find myself looking in the mirror and wondering "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

You can usually tell something's amiss when your friends ask that, in a less acusative and expletive covered manner. When you join in, it really can't be good.

It's been a horrible couple of weeks, reaching a climax yesterday with a piece of completely stressful nonsense involving work. So I've given up and spent the day doing nothing, buying meaningless consumer items with John Walker and trying to avoid getting wound up over everything. After this, I'm going to bed.

I need to get more sleep, but between insomnia and over-work, I'm not really getting anything I need. I feel as if that aspect of my life's out of control entirely.

Health generally is pretty shitty. Writing a major review early this week, at 3 in the morning, and chest pains have started to kick in. They're clearly a mixture of hypochondria and stress, but still far more worrying than my usual out of control gut-spasms. And, yes, I'm going to get a doctor's appointment early next week, but I'm 95% sure it's nothing. The fact it only kicked in when I was tired and comes back when I'm equally knackered - exactly the same thing as the gut stuff, and the spams I kick through my body identical - says that to me.

And on personal topics - involving everyone - I feel listless, angry and entirely out of place. What I think is bringing it mostly into focus however is that a possible work thing has kind of possibly turned up, which may or may not be happening. If it happens, it's a career-changing one and the most single important writing project I've ever been involved in. And sitting, wondering if it's going to happen or not, is striking everything into harsh relief. Why am I putting up with this shit when I could be doing that? Except, that may not be happening, so I can't really tell anyone - more people than I wanted to know, but I've put a stop on spreading it any further. Not because I'm worried I'll jinx it - rather out of the ego-kick you take every time anyone asks "So what happened about X?" and you say "It fell through", which means "I wasn't good enough/Some other fuck's doing it/I have a small penis".

As I said, I'm in a bad mood. So I'm listening to NEU!, trying to amass the will and courage to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and look in the mirror and face the inevitable "What the Fuck Is Wrong With You?".